The Burden Of Silence

When do we tend to open our mouths the most without hesitation (Apart from the time we are gorging ourselves with food and drink every few minutes)? Is it when we are confident of what we’re saying (The levels of which go from high to low as we move from a relaxed personal setting to a more intimidating professional one)? Is it when we feel our egos have been challenged and we want to scathe someone with our words (Because they stated that Jack Ma has better business acumen than us)? Is it when we just want to yell at someone without any semblance of meaning or direction to what we’re saying (To get our daily dose of frustration out)? Or is it when we want our ideas to be heard (Which usually happens only when we are confident of being the brightest and most experienced in that given room)?

What determines our participation in an event? What factors does our mind consider innately before we decide to express ourselves in any situation? Why do we hoot or whistle in a crowded cinema hall during a movie, but are apprehensive about the slightest contribution in an equally crowded seminar? Why do we question others during their presentations in college, but are tongue-tied during our own? Why do we find it easier to demean someone rather than appreciate them? Why do we lash out immediately at someone for causing us the slightest irritation but behave like large iron clamps are keeping our lips together when we need to apologize for the grief we have caused? Why do we speak when we should really be listening and shut our trap when we really need to speak? Fear? Lack of confidence? Ego? Convenience? The lack of intent in pushing ourselves outside our comfort zone? Lack of care? Or even the old age civilized human’s adage of ‘chalta hai’ (big deal, it’s okay)?

How many situations do we find ourselves in where we know we can do better with our speech, but refuse to do so? There are innumerable but here are just a few examples.

• We are ready with admonishing words for our subordinates or colleagues at work (sometimes just for the heck of it because we believe it keeps them in line), but rarely with words of comfort and encouragement
• We leave our homes every morning with scathing words fired at our spouse (because we had a nightmare, woke up in a bad mood, and now need to get it out of our system), but seldom feel the need to understand her perspective and empathize
• We tussle with our family members regularly but refuse to have a calm and mature conversation (Unless the elders decide they want to distribute the family wealth)
• We speak condescendingly to the street food vendor for taking two minutes too long to prepare our sandwich, but seldom appreciate the quality of his work (despite devouring the sandwich at a rate that is always threatening to break the world record)
• We spoil our clients but don’t feel the need to speak nicely to our employees (Doling out fat paychecks will only work for so long)
• We crib endlessly to our loved ones about our problems (which could be as trivial as the cook not having shown up that day), but rarely care to ask them about their issues.
• We even glare and mumble at the pavement, when we trip (Obviously, the pavement schemed against us, changed dimension, took us by surprise, and was hell-bent on breaking our nose)

We always seem to be embroiled in our problems, our feelings, our perspective, and constantly expect support from those around us. We will yell at someone’s mistake, demand an apology, and happily put someone in a spot, especially if we feel we have been wronged. However, when we have to walk the hard miles (have the tough talks to be precise) and drag ourselves outside our comfort zone, we look the other way. We either convince ourselves that we have no reason to have a particular conversation, pretend like the situation doesn’t exist, or want to believe that we can’t do anything to help. At times our ego disallows us to do so, at times it’s the fear of facing a certain situation or backlash, and at times we just don’t care enough.

And then we rue missed chances to make amends, help someone, and boost a life, well into the future, and at times only in our fading light of life, leaving behind a trail of misery and ‘could have beens’. Ailing parents, disturbed spouses, insecure children, unappreciated employees, heartbroken friends, disgruntled business partners, and even ignored pets could use our words as much as a listening ear.

All of us listen. But how many of us hear? How many of us truly understand what we hear? And how many of us can eventually sympathize with the speaker. Good listeners are rare but then so are good speakers. And by good speakers, I do not imply oratory excellence and the ability to enthrall a crowd. But I mean the ability to touch, enthrall, and rejuvenate someone’s heart and soul.

So go have those much-needed conversations, for I can assure you that the joy and relief experienced by us and others upon doing so far outweighs our nonchalance, egos, and fear. Silence may be golden in situations, but the right speech, at the right time, delivered with earnestness and heart, is platinum.

‘I’ Specialists

It’s amazing how often I come across people that seem to have all the answers. More accurately, they seem to think they have the answers to any question or situation they encounter, ranging from how to cook Baked Alaska (or even a Heston Blumenthal masterpiece) and which player would be the perfect signing for the New York Yankees (and also wonder why they never get called to serve as the rightful general manager), to what the next big financial investment should be (until it crashes, because the fund manager didn’t follow their strategy) and how to solve traffic problems in large metros (and yet they seem to be stuck in it all the time). My father calls them ‘I’ specialists.

More worryingly, how often do we fall prey to this ‘I know it all’ attitude? How often do we consciously and willingly adopt this mannerism? Whether we’re sitting in a conference and listening to experts in our fields (we seethe quietly at having to sit in the audience while someone with seemingly less knowledge speaks on the dais at that conference), helping our daughter with her studies (we truly believe that the people that designed the education system at her school didn’t have an education themselves), working on a team project at college (we emphasize that if our plan was accepted for the college presentation, our team would soar to success, and if it didn’t, despite our plan being implemented, it wasn’t done in all earnestness by our teammates), discussing maters on anything from movies to politics (we are certain that if we wore the director’s cap, we would produce Oscar winning movies every year, and also have the perfect response to all political matters, even if it was devoid of factual information or reason), and even in our daily demeanor (from how to arrange the crockery to how to deal with the housemaid), we tend to close our minds to suggestions because we feel we are equipped with more knowledge than others, are smarter, and therefore know best.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is – Demetri Martin

We feel we know better than our kids, our parents, our spouse, our friends, our co-workers, our teachers, doctors, the prime minister, the national cricket selection committee, and even our building security personnel (about who is going in and out of the building daily).

Yet, somehow the bitter turn of events along the way seem to baffle us. Despite, having all the possible knowledge (at least the illusion of knowledge that we consider to be Gospel) at our disposal, we fall short on various fronts. Some of us barely notice and for those of us that do, we shirk it off as shortcomings of our environment and the people in it.

Those who think they know it all have no way of finding out they don’t – Leo Buscaglia

If indeed we did know it all, why is that we need external courses to improve our professional skills to meet the evolving nature of our work and industry? Why are we able to convert only a small percentage of prospects into clients? Why do we not always score well in examinations (Let alone obtaining a perfect score)? Why do we not win every sports fantasy tournament we participate in considering we have the best team selection process? Why do we need Google maps to help us get to locations in a city where we have lived our entire lives? How come we don’t know what our father does for a living? Why is it that we fail to understand our children (Although we tend to believe it’s them that fails to understand us, where in reality the failure to understand is likely on both sides)? Why do we often annoy or upset people (this isn’t our intention now, is it?) around us if we always know the right things to say? How come we don’t curtail our alcohol and cigarette consumption despite the health warnings on the packaging (What do the manufacturers know?)? Why is that our spouse wears a quiet forlorn look if we really know how to keep him/her happy?

We feel like scholars on every subject, but if we were to put ourselves to the test we would fail tasks we perform daily. Do we really know the correct way to hang toilet paper in the bathroom? Or how to brush our teeth with the right technique? Or how to change the gears in our car in the most optimum manner? Or even that Santa Claus isn’t real (If you’re under ten years of age, you didn’t read this here)? Do we even know ourselves well? We may be aware of trivial things like our choices in food, entertainment, technology, travel and so on, but do we understand ourselves well enough to know what drives our happiness? Do we truly understand how to use our gifts to fulfill our destiny and help others around us?

In our quest to massage our egos, and prove ourselves to be one up over others, we close ourselves to new information and lose out on the opportunity to actually assimilate knowledge. I believe we can learn from anyone and any situation. We must learn to be humble students our entire lives. It may be a clichéd statement, but it was born out of necessity, wasn’t it? An open mind leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to wisdom, and wisdom leads to common sense, benevolence, fulfillment, and happiness. Kaching!!

Me First

We love ourselves, don’t we? We only want the best for ourselves. And we like to prove our importance to ourselves time and again. We will be happy to break into a queue at a bus stop (Because the other idiots who were there before us have all the time in the world but we don’t. We do this on the sly and just slip in, or do so boldly if we have the girth to provide that intimidating confidence). We will drive past a red light, or even block a lane that turns left (even though we want to go straight) just because it brings us closer to the head of the pack (And do it with gusto because we always know someone that owns these streets. Besides the person in the wailing ambulance behind is likely to meet his maker anyway). We will carry extra weapons to a sale just in case someone gets a hold of something we want before we do, and we need to make a compelling argument for them to hand it over (By handing them a beating. Don’t believe me? See some Black Friday carnage on YouTube). We will happily push an old woman aside and jump into the only cab available (Like we couldn’t walk those 800 meters to our destination. Besides courtesy and offering help to the needy is a thing of the past). We will bribe a cop upon breaking a traffic law (Because lawful proceedings aren’t for us. But we will certainly participate in a peaceful protest against bribery).

We always seem too important to wait in lines, too busy to respond to calls and emails in a timely manner, too self-centred to think beyond our own whims, too unperturbed about our ‘chalta hai’ (big deal, I don’t care) attitude towards everything, too proud to admit that our approach hurts many around us, strangers and loved ones alike. We always want to jump at the opportunities (and in all likelihood create them) to do something when it is likely to afford us a temporary high (People also seem to resort to smoking and alcohol to achieve this state all the time. The number of heart attacks, depression cases, and suicides will increase significantly if these two sources of ambrosia ceased to exist), make us feel all important, or offer us a feeling of prominence, even if it is meaningless in the grand scheme of things (And often this is achieved by making others feel comparatively insignificant, only to boost our own flailing and misdirected ego).

We will be the first to ensure we do whatever it takes when it is a matter of convenience to us, no matter how inconvenient it is for others (Eating half the birthday cake at a 4-year olds birthday party; Flipping TV channels so incessantly, that it might have you believe that Keanu Reeves is starring in a regional Indian film, shot in space, singing a song around trees, playing badminton, and running with Wildebeests, while being chased by half of the criminal world in New York City; Spreading our legs across three seating spaces in a train that has at least two dozen people hanging on the window grill, on the outside; increasing the temperature of the AC beyond the outside temperature because we refuse to carry a jacket or shawl, while others experience the benefits of a sauna for free; and forcing people to read blogs every week, when they clearly might have other things to do).

And when we ourselves are victim to this attitude, we’ll throw a fit, and complain about how people are disrespectful, irresponsible, uncaring, unprofessional, selfish, arrogant, and add the choicest expletives after each of these adjectives. And this blame game has been going on for eons (Extraterrestrials watching from space would see a very coordinated finger-pointing dance form, worth capturing on video). We love to pass the buck around (We need to blame all those ‘passing the parcel’ game sessions we had during our childhood. We learned young). We love to blame the whole world for not only its shortcomings but ours too. Mahatma Gandhi himself professed against trading an eye for an eye (And for good reason because we would look quite silly if we had one eye belonging to us and the other, the one we traded for)

How often do we feel the need to take responsibility for our own actions? Do we ever feel the need to change or improve in order to be happier? Do we ever stop to consider the negative impact we may be having on our surroundings? Or are we too busy expecting others to alter their personality and methods, so that we could have a little less to complain about? It’s not his job or her job, or their job to ensure that life is better for us. Life hits us all the same at different stages. And it’s the ones that accept this reality, stay positive, and take responsibility for their situation, who share a better relationship with life. If we are willing to lead in all our pompous, self-serving, ego-massaging, inconveniencing, senseless activities regularly, why not in the ones that require maturity and understanding? Why not in the ones that will turn our attitude and life around only if we gave it a shot? Why not in the ones that impact us and the world around us positively? Do we believe that this responsibility is only for the likes of Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Albert Einstein, Socrates, the Spartans, Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci, Rosa Parks, Jack Ma, Jesse Owens, Steve Jobs, and several others to shoulder? We are all blessed with spirit, righteousness, generosity, strength, creativity, empathy and courage. It’s up to us to define how we use these gifts in our lifetime.

Stop blaming your kids for your misadventures, stop yelling at your wife for a bad day at work, stop cursing your client for a failed sale, stop accusing the economy for your poor financial situation, stop blaming the traffic if you weren’t disciplined enough to reach your destination on time, stop bullying people to address your insecurities, stop trying to finish your local bar’s alcohol stock in one night, and for heaven’s sake, stop at a red light.

Suck it up. You’re as much of a problem as the next person. Stop looking over your shoulder, I mean you. If we must be first, then let’s be the first to effect positivity in our lives and those of others. Let’s take responsibility for our own situations, and let’s recognize our abilities to become a leader in matters that make our souls proud.

With great power comes great responsibility. But with great responsibility comes great power. Cease your responsibility and harness the power that comes with it to create your legacy.

Me first? Yes, you first.